Bicker Better
 |
| Life is too short to hold onto grudges. |
Story Time
Last night (12/6/22) was pretty typical. My oldest boy is working as a life guard at the town swimming pool so we need to pick him up after the pool closes. My wife and I are planning to go to the gym to workout together after dinner and then pick him up on the way home. After dinner, I put on my gym clothes. While putting them on, I notice my gym shoes aren't in my gym bag, so I search around the house for a good 20 minutes, and finally find them buried in the kid's shoebox. I'm a little irritated now, but I'm ready to go. My wife is still in her dress and apron, washing dishes, so I offer to take over while she gets dressed. In a half teasing manner, she tells me that she doesn't like the way I do dishes (it is a running joke between us) and she insists to do it on her own. I go and talk with the kids and brush my 6 year old's teeth. 10 minutes later, she finishes the dishes and changes into her gym clothes.
We hop into the car, and I have this mp3 player that sends out a radio signal for the car to pick up. Nat King Cole's "Merry Little Christmas" is playing, and we finally relax from that tension. Natalie Merchant comes on as we are traveling to the Gym and we talk about random stuff. I don't really like the music too much, but she does and so I tolerate it. As we pull into the parking lot, Nazareth's "Changing Times" comes on. It is a a hard rock song that my wife hates but it is one of my favorites and so I comment on how awesome it is.
It is at this point that she goes off on how stupid the song is and boys are stupid for listening to that kind of crap. I turn off the radio and she continues to mock the song by yelling in my ear. As we are walking into the gym, she keeps ranting about the music and I roll my eyes and try to ignore her. When we get in, I'm kind of mad, and she disappears to work on an exercise bike. I go do my elliptical for an electronic mile, then proceed to do the leg day machines. I have a good workout because I am stewing about the song incident, playing it over in my head and taking the anger out on the weights.
After awhile, my wife comes to me as I'm doing leg presses and wants to rotate with me. I tell her that it is my last set and I leave to go do those leg spready things. She follows me again, and she works on an adjacent machine. After this, both of us go do the stretching routine on the mats and we chat a little. I usually quiet down when I'm angry so I don't have an emotional outburst and say or do something I'll regret. She knows this and can sense that I'm upset.
As we walk out the door back to the car, my wife says, "Tell me". Indicating that she wants me to tell her what's on my mind because I was unusually quiet in the gym.
Me - "How would you have reacted if I met you with the same energy when Nazareth came on if I did something similar when John Denver or Donna Fargo came on?"
Her - (silence)
Me - "I don't know, it just seems like you expect me to tolerate your music, but you have no tolerance for Nazareth, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, and a lot others that I like"
Her - "I guess I would stop listening to it around you, is that what you're mad about?"
Me - Pretty much.
We continue talking about the evening, and I ask her why she didn't let me do the dishes so we could of had more time at the gym.
Her - "Yeah, I was being a brat. I just feel embarrassed that you come home to a messy house and have to help. I'm sorry"
As she apologizes, I put my hand on her leg and comfort her. We get to talking about how much we have improved our arguing over the years. When we were first married, she would have been a lot more argumentative, and I would have shut down for hours.
Her - "Thank you for checking me. Sometimes I need that."
When our son walks to the car, we change the subject and talk about him wanting to make an obsidian knife and where to get some big pieces of obsidian to work on. I tell him about a flint-knapping festival that I went to at Glass Butte, Oregon when I was 20.
After we get home and put the kids to bed, my wife and I shower and then had good sex.
Takeaways
1) Kevin Samuels talked about S.I.G.N. language that we use when we bicker. (Shame, Insults, Guilt, Need to be right). All of that can be reduce to one word, "Pride". Pride in a Biblical sense is a very negative trait. It stops people from working together or improving. If either of us used those tactics, nothing would have been resolved. Many women would have doubled down on how stupid the song is and tried to make me feel guilty for listening to it or bring it up that I didn't appreciate her doing that. If I were prideful and used those tactics, I would have cranked up Nazareth or get in a hotheaded argument. If you have a habit of this, you may win the argument, but you will lose the relationship in time.
2) Say what needs to be said, but be quick to forgive. If you shut down and fail to communicate, you are not resolving anything, you are just creating a wedge between you do, some festering sore point that she doesn't know what is wrong and you are just a bitter old fart. At the same time, when you are discussing the matter, be very quick to acknowledge any apologies. Thank them when they acknowledge any point you are trying to make.
3) Unpleasant things need to be said only once. Keep the discussion direct and simple. Going off on tangents or repeating the same point over and over only leads to confusion and nothing will get resolved. Keep it simple.
4) Try to keep the discussion civil. Speak one at a time. Maintain your tone of voice and try to keep your emotions in check. No need for insults or raising your voice. Both need to be civil to have an effective communication.
5) Selfishness is a chief instigator of conflict. Emotions flare when people feel like their sovereignty is stepped on. Try to be fair to your spouse and don’t let them run over you either.